Wednesday, 4 November 2020

My Kingdom for an R2

 As precluded I have been finding my fingers a bit cumbersome these days. I have also been finding my bag a pain in the ass. Charging devices is a chore. Lugging a speaker is annoying, Carrying things, in general, is a chore. I would also like an AI that I can talk to where ever I am.

What I would like is a multipurpose mule who follows me about with all of the above an R2 unit basically.

I have also been finding driving a tad unfulfilling I am used to another department being in charge of Navigation. In the next five years, I want a self-driving lounge with face together seats and a place for my R2 to dock.

Bookmarked for posterity. 

To B1 or not to B2

During my many drives in the past three weeks, I did come up with a rough draft of the following. I do need a better method for taking notes. Pulling over to thumb my phone seems barbaric. Stay tuned.

One of my lesser-known bullet points on my Resume is a B1B2 U.S.A visa. This Visa allows me to enter and exit the USA for multiple periods for work and as a tourist. These typically last 10 years for a New Zealand citizen. My last one issued in Florence, Italy expired in October.

I did actually look at doing this twice in the middle of the year but COVID had other ideas.

The actual process is quite painfully traumatic at the start but relatively easy at the end. After telling a website my movements in and out of the USA for 10x years, employment history and a lot of superfluous information an appointment is booked. 

I had two cancellations before my live interview on the 20th of October. 

I went to this interview suitable attired and painted. I did have a good friend question my relative lack of toned downness but I did have a Trump card.

Well earned and a wee bit hard to discuss freely.

Also if there is one thing this administration has taught us. You can be very good looking and completely incompetent to pass as a civil servant. I freely identify with these traits on good and bad days.

Monday, 2 November 2020

Daddy Butler

In stolen moments during my time at home I have thought about the benefits of having a Butler. 

I spend half of the year not having to think about what I will eat or doing laundry. My sheets are ironed, fitted sheets folded and things are relatively easy. I think robotics will have arrived before I have to think about aged care but in the meantime, a real butler would be quite nice.

I then got thinking when I am solo parenting I am somewhat of a butler for the young master of the house.

A Daddy Butler. 

Dario finds this phrase hilarious and Daddy Butler was born. 

Thursday, 15 October 2020

The Final Mile

If I have written about this before you will have to excuse my age-related decline. 

One thing I have learned about long-distance travel in my years is the last hop can be the worst. It can be an evaporating driver, traffic congestion, or an odd delay.

Imagine my surprise when last Friday this occurred. 

I landed in Auckland at about 5:30pm from Rotorua. There is a new regional Koru lounge at the airport and after having a very sober isolation I thought I would give the local libations a good going over.

I started with a couple of (de)ciders and sampled some of the buffet to fortify my stomach. The (de)ciders went down very well so I thought I would throw a couple of Gin and Tonics down my throat before my 7:30pm flight. I was feeling pretty good about life and then boarded my plane.

The flight was soon all seated and I busied myself reading Air New Zealand paraphernalia from the seat pocket in front of me. Imagine my surprise when a very embarrassed co-pilot had to make this announcement.

"I am very sorry but I lost my pen on the flight down and I have had to get an Engineer to dismantle the cockpit to find the pen we will be delayed by 30 minutes or so"

Imagine my abject horror at this announcement. It took me screaming back to work a couple of weeks ago. It was all too familiar. I started messaging my Chief on board with some very colorful language.


"Why do we need pens in 2020 to fly planes?"

"Why do we need Aircraft Engineers to find pens?"


Eventually, the pen was found and we were able to fly. Unfortunately, I had not counted on this delay and had to wake the passenger beside me to use the facilities on a 30-minute flight. This sparked up a conversation with the comatose passenger beside me and the rest of my flight went swimmingly.

Today I was asked for some feedback on my flight. I shall send them a link. Penless planes what do you think?

Wednesday, 14 October 2020

The (G)Holden Ratio

As I emerged from the womb that is managed isolation I was reminded of something I learned working at sea.

In my experience, three out of four Kiwis are good people. If you have four on a boat usually one will be an odd egg. Starved of conversation, I rapidly indulged myself in banter with the mostly good people of Rotorua. I bandied words with a member of the Army who helped me with my bags.

I caught an Uber to a rental car location. The driver was very personable and was driving an electric car the same as my own. It was only a $7 fare but I squeezed that ride for every cent. 

The Gentleman at Hertz was a nice bloke. We commiserated about isolation. One of my thoughts earlier in the day was that a firm punishment in prison is to be given solitary confinement. I think a firmer punishment would be to be placed in a hotel room with an estranged partner or child for two weeks. 

Collecting my rental car I spent about 10 minutes reacquainting myself with the familiarity of being in the driver's seat, pairing devices, etc. Excuse me for sounding a bit posh but my last two car drives had been in S Class Mercedes strictly as a passenger.

I very conveniently had some familiar faces to spend some time within Rotorua before my flight so after setting up my GPS I pulled very gently out onto the road and started driving (sedately). Unfortunately, I was driving a bit too sedately for someone in a Golden Holden. I unintentionally had ruined his life by driving slowly in my embryonic state. He roared his engine and then did a strange maneuver which I guess would be equivalent to doing the fingers. 

I smirked to myself my ratio was proven correct.

And to be fair everyone who drives a Holden is a wanker. 

Friday, 9 October 2020

Leveling up

Today is my Son's 4th Birthday. Sadly given my location and logistics, I will not see him today. But we had a good korero this morning. He had some unique thoughts about attaining the age of 4.

He has demanded that the training wheels be taken off his bicycle. He also thinks he can automatically wear shoes that don't fit and clothes he has not been able to wear.

This is Gamer theory. As you attain new levels in a game you gain new abilities or costumes and flair.

For all of the time, I have had in the last 2 weeks I have not played any games. Which is quite astonishing. I still have two hours though so I might gain a level or two :-).

Happiest Day of the Year

What a relief.

I woke up to the tremendous news the All Blacks will not be away from their families for Christmas.

New Zealand has been in a state of terror knowing that a professional team that has not played any games for 7 Months could have missed out of Christmas with their loved ones. Forget COVID this is life-threatening stuff.

Sardonic mode disable.

Anyway. I am very happy to leave my little four-walled room. I have had many thoughts over the past two weeks. Some dark, some light many in between.

It is a strange world, the commodity we most complain about not having enough of is time and when we are given an abundance of it we still manage to complain. 

I still have a few hurdles before my next four-walled room but these are minor details. They probably won't be reported.

Wednesday, 7 October 2020

The Lowest Point of my Life

That is clickbait. Thanks for clicking.

At approximately 5:20pm today I hit a new low. I was trying to think of things I could do to kill time before Dinner. Admittedly my formidable intellect has struggled at times to keep sanity in check this year.

I did think about having a coffee but then thought against it as it is quite late. I have already drunk my room out of green tea and then.....

I saw it.


That terrible stuff. Absolutely pointless. I have always laughed at mirthfully.

But clearly, it does have a point.


Sources Close to a Friend of said.....

I spend quite a bit of spare time listening to podcasts. I like the long-form conversations, the banter, the things that we usually share with humans in a time of increasing disparity. 

I have also taken to recording voice memos when using messaging programs. I just find recording my voice a lot faster than thumbing my phone. I find that akin to a closeted ape trying to extract bananas from a mysterious handheld banana vending device. One of my favourite podcasts is comedian Bill Burr's The Monday Morning Podcast.

Some notable people in my sphere of confluence have expressed varying degrees of accommodation at my well thought out often rant toned voice recordings. So I got thinking. If I was to regularly record and syndicate said rantings what would I call them?

When I stray into the media by accident like a brown bear who has run out of forest animals to eat and decides to visit someone's campground only to die eating a bag of Doritos. I am always struck by phrases used when a Journalist wants to write something less than true or not true at all. Speculation.

What would I call this thing?

"Sources Close to"
"A Friend of"

Or something else?

This might be where this poorly thought out exercise falls down. Maybe it is for the best. I can see my accent being a bit of an issue for most of the world's population if my time at sea is any indication. But I shall keep writing. These words may lie but they are spell checked.