Saturday, 19 December 2009

An alternative and some what incomplete history of Sweden

A surge in popularity of this blog in Sweden has me enthralled. This previously untapped market deserves more pandering too and it is with great pleasure I present to you an alternative history of Sweden with some factual content.

It is worth noting without the sagely advice and clandestine interviewing of Uncle Phil my entire knowledge of Sweden would be the Swedish chef, computer gaming and lewd videography.

Pre Sweden History

Sweden's ancestors the Vikings conquered all of the earth. They even ventured into space on giant oar powered rockets leaving all of the planets of this galaxy barren and pillaged. At some point they became bored and gave up the reigns of the earth to sit back and drink mead.



The beautiful women of Sweden can be attributed to the Vikings stealing the finest women from other countries and taking them home. They were so successful at taking England's women that the English are to this day quite ugly.

Vikings were hairy like bears and liked castles.. If you were to translate the name of Sweden's most famous sports person Bjorn Borg into English you get.....

Bear Castle.

If the Vikings had discovered New Zealand it would have been named New Valhalla.

Swedish Achievements

Whilst sitting back drinking mead and latterly beer the people of Sweden embarked on an impressive inventing streak which included.

The ball bearing
The safety match
Dynamite
The adjustable spanner
And THE ZIPPER!

Funnily enough,

If you added the mobility of a ball bearing, the spark of a safety match, the explosive force of dynamite, the versatility of an adjustable spanner and the sheer sexiness of a slightly opened zipper you get...........

ABBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Swedish Linguistics

To the untrained ear Swedish does sound like the Swedish Chef.

I pointed this out to my Swedish Captain, he was quick to point out that the Swedish chef was in fact modelled on someone from Denmark. I do not believe this for a second.

The first white person to see New Zealand was Abel Tasman. He was from Holland(old Zealand), People who speak Dutch can not understand Swedish. I can not understand Swedish but I can babble in a manner that could pass as Swedish in New Zealand.

Swedish customs

Many Swedish customs revolve around alcoholic substances.

Each year during summer, proud Swedes gather outside to dance and sing around mid summer poles mimicking frogs in traditional dress.



To the untrained eye, Swedish customs would seem like an excuse to drink. This is not the case. Drink merely improves traditions. Something that is not lost upon this writer.

IKEA

Ikea is Sweden's most devious invention yet. A profitable company, it allows Swedes to eat meatballs and drink Swedish beer abroad everywhere one opens.

Ikea furniture also makes everyone that tries to assemble it feel incredibly stupid and frustrated. It is the ultimate hard sell and is Sweden's one fingered salute at all of us.

Afterforewardthought

I began this history as a birthday present to Uncle Phil. What began as a light hearted look at Sweden and its people was eye opening for me. Sweden has only 9 million people but its contributions to mankind can not be made light of(except by me).

I look forward to sharing more of Sweden with you all. It seems like a decent place.




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