I caught the train to work today which was a first. Train rides home are usually boring affairs. The train was quite busy and I had to stand near the door. Compounding the experience I had left my headphones at home.
At the next stop a decidedly average looking man jumped on board who was to be anything but average. Imagine if you will someone with a stock car driver frame, a holden hat and a suspiciously bent looking nose.
Then imagine the very same man with the most explosive case of verbal diarrhea you have heard on a train in your life. Sizing up the nearest female he launched into some canine barking. This was to be later explained as something his idol Chris Angel does. Then seeing my uncovered ears he introduced himself as Andrew which means impaled by an angel (apparently).
Being a magnet for all things weird and wonderful we then shared a pole and a discussion of sorts lurched through a variety of subjects.
I could hardly contain my glee. Not since South East Asia has a subject gladly given me such beautiful material. With all of my considerable power I mentally transcribed the conversation for you my eager readers.
Dialog in bold is the funny chap. Dialog in italics are my own attempts to keep the conversation on target.
Big night then?
Nah got hit in the head though can you see it?
Yes I do think I can see something on your head.
Wow look at all of the people on this bus. Lots of children and people going to work. Its CRAZY.
Yes it is mass transport.
Yeah so I am a comedian in case you wondering why you are laughing. My whole family are comedians. My mum, my dad, my sisters, my granddad and my grandmother.
That is quite a hard profession to break into.
So do you play soccer?
No I do not play football.
You look like posh spice's boyfriend what sports are you into?
I enjoy Gaelic football and method writing
You have a shaved head it has a few bumps. Everyone who has a shaved head has a reason for it being shaved what is your reason?
Bark Bark Woof Woof
At this point we stopped, the sea of full seats parted and my new found friend moved onto to torture another passenger. I kept a keen ear on proceedings....
The poor chap he sat beside had a book.
So you use your brain don't you?
Gotta use your brain!
Brains are like bones. If you didn't have them you would flop around like a mullet.
No offense of course.
It was with a wry smile that I got off the train with a female passenger who had been barked at. She was happy to be escaping. I remarked I would blog about the journey so something good would come of it. I think my last words were in the same been up all night drunken growl.
"No offense but I am a really offensive unfunny comedian"