Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Abducted by Aliens

Congratulations on following through on what has to be my most body grabbing headline yet. Alien inspired and with good reason I was borrowed by an alien ship and crew two nights ago. I have to admit it was all natural enough. My episode was spurred on by a bout of furious gardening. Weed whackers appear to attract alien space ships. I think that the high spinning revolutions coupled with the whisking noise acts as a spaceship and alien aphrodisiac.

After a couple of hours of battling assorted weeds and foliage I was greeted by some oddly attired gentlemen who appeared to hover above the ground. "Can we have a moment of your time?" they asked politely and although usually I would give trespassers a short shift I was looking for a diversion and gladly took up the chance to ditch the weed whacker. With a loud hum and appropriate orientation manipulation I was transported to my current home.

I have had complete sensory deprivation since the involuntary allocation of my mass to this dimension. This has given me plenty of time to think and to date my proudest achievement is the successful transmogrification of absolute nothing into a compatible wireless space for my iPhone to attach to the internet so I could write this blog.

Since finding the internet I have also found the time to find the perfect refreshment for an extended period of otherworldliness. I also rustled up a glass and some granite to place Beer Lao upon. I will wait and drink things out.

I hope to update you soon with my health and apropriate personal information. I have nought much else to say except I wish you a happy New Year and remember if you keep reading this blog you will be fine.

Friday, 26 December 2008

The Great EFTPOS at pump conspiracy

With the weight of humanity sitting squarely upon my shoulders sometimes I have need to side step human contact. Enacting an electronic transaction at the time of refuelling my rocket ship helps me to save time between missions and maintain valuable button pressing abilities.

However I have noticed that these services are rarely working. Exploratory questioning has proved pointless. Then it dawned upon me. Petrol salesmen want you to come inside the shop, pick up a newspaper, a coffee, 6 bottles of V, a bouquet of flowers, some confectionery and pay for petrol. Scandalous. I am at a loss on how I will resolve this unfavourable predicament. I think I shall write a letter!

Tuesday, 23 December 2008


It appears that one of my more recent hypothesis has born fruit. I do work best flat on my back. My laptop seems to act as a thought conductor of some merit when nestled on my knees. The road to landing flat on my back has been a treacherous path and it was only after the cessation of Christmas shopping and the delightful dawning of an unencumbered future which allowed me to lie thus. Even now I peer to the left and right cautiously because I am not alone.......

Daily I am left wondering what a boon of good fortune allows me to lead the life I lead. Current circumstance has left me in charge of a rather large pool, property and associated condiments but I have a foil, in the form of an overly fluffy, pugnacious and altogether abstract Cat. Caesar is his name but he seems to be more closely related to a circus troupe and spends his days, catapulting, flying, scratching, hounding and destroying sections the foreseeable horizon. To his credit on the rare occasions that he sleeps, he does lie as a Roman would on a curule chair. I am convinced the Cat is possessed or the result of a magic spell gone wrong. I just can not think of 10 personalities that could accurately sum up the person inside.

-An intrepid cardboard box base jumper
-An interior re designer
-An interior demolisher
-A garden weed eater
-Carpet re texturing service
-Kitchen hand
-Bed ridden sloth
-Personal room sized whirlwind
-Rubbish collector and re distributor

Cats are great things to live with. I think.

Count down

Things move in cycles. Chains, tyres and pedals. Given that it is also three months from the second volume of a rather large adventure beginning I also find myself in the same position I was in April of last year. A feeling of limbo, apprehension and building excitement.

In case you had not been reading, listening or particularly coherent we will be leaving New Zealand again in March to travel to the old world. Once there we will find passage on a super yacht or similar vessel and sail the sublime Mediterranean.

Last week I unwillingly took my first steps towards this goal by having to nuke my EEE-PC. Purged and clean it sits waiting for new tales to tell. This morning I downloaded a talking French phrase book for my wifes iPhone. I suspect our rudimentary Hello and Thank You vocabulary which served us well in South East Asia might need to be expanded upon.

Two weeks ago we donated our camera to some random good souls of Auckland. I am not sure what purpose this serves but it will be nice to get a new camera. Maybe one with expanded video capacity as video is all the rage with the kids these days.


Sunday, 21 December 2008

The Ancient Art of the Recap

I have become paralysed with the debilitating illness which afflicts mass media at this time of the year. An overwhelming desire to recap, reconstitute and regurgitate the years events in lists of ten. Sit tight. Cover your eyes. More news after the break.

Friday, 12 December 2008

A Tale of Beer

What an interesting couple of days. Yesterday I attempted an online teleconference with the irrepressible Dave Moore who is returning from a tour of duty in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Technical difficulties prevented a true audio and visual teleconference but with the wonders of the modern digital world we live in he was able to confirm his homecoming next week with typed word.

Dave Moore served as a gracious host in our visit to Chiang Mai. His command of traditional and not so traditional customs ensured that we were doing things that are not typically done by tourists. In fact many of the things we did are not normally done by people of sound mind, body and blood alcohol levels but it was still important research; sterling, gripping and slightly hair raising all at the same time.

Eventually the conversation meandered towards Dave returning and he asked if there was anything I would like for him to bring me back from that part of the world. Short of a portable elephant or a return ticket back to Chiang Mai I was at loss for what he could bring but.......

Last night I dreamed of Beer Lao and its amazing abilities.

Beer Lao imparts:

-The vitamin producing affects of sunshine
-Tightens your cheeks into a smile
-Slows your walking speed by 30%
-Increases your standard deviation deviations and latent deviate
-A higher probability of buying singlets

I love Beer Lao. So does everyone who has ever drunk it.

Imagine my surprise when this morning I discovered I had been added by this person on Facebook.

What are the chances? More puzzling is that you can not actually buy Beer Lao in Thailand to my knowledge but please excuse my geographical and dream state licenses. One is hideously expired and I fell asleep getting the other one.

All of this in turn prompted a subsequent conversion with my resident PHD in alcohol procurement and consumption. Within 5 minutes he informed me of where I can buy Beer Lao in New Zealand.

Thank Buddha.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Cheers for the Chairs

Let it be known I am quite taken with the chairs at my place of work. I could be viewing things through a post employment haze or they could in fact be quite special. I will let you decide.

The seats are finished in a sumptuous black waffle fabric. Gleaming chrome adjustment hinges are found in handy spots. They even have retractable instructions for people who might have trouble with security cards. The more functional aspects of the chairs are coated in a matt grey. I particularly like the mesh back rest. It reminds me of my pack. They are also incredibly comfortable to rest upon. Deceptively strong and agile I can push one easily across the room loaded with a computer monitor.

I have included some photos of the chairs that dot my work for your visual stimulation. In the background you might notice a shot of my pack because I love it so.

check it out

I need instructions

Here they are

I do believe I have reached a new level of blogging.

I am thinking of renaming my blog a Mish Mash of Mundane Impedimenta. What do you think?

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Never lose a security card again! Read this now!

One of my current tasks is the maintenance and tender love of a somewhat antiquated security card system. It is a bit of a special case but it does do its job quite well (just like me). What people at my company have trouble with is holding onto security cards. Believe it or not there are people out there that I would not trust to hold onto anything. There are two types of repeat offenders.
  1. I left my card in my toaster/trousers/car/ash tray. Can I have a card to use for today?
  2. I have lost my card. I do not know where it is but I have lost it. Please help me I can not go to the toilet any more and I think I am about to explode.
Believe it or not but I am quite accustomed to losing things. Just last week I lost my wallet and that was quite a caper. I am yet to lose my security card however and I am sure I will not. The reason for this……

I have a routine and a plan.

Firstly with some great engineering I have managed to attach my security card to my car keys. I have left the woven strap attached and if the mood takes my fancy I can swing my keys around my head like a modern day sling. When I sit at my desk I plug my USB stick into the front my computer. The USB port acts as a holster for my deadly weapon.

Secondly when I to go to and from work I attach my set of keys to the inside of my bag. This simple procedure means I always know where my keys are and therefore my security card.

Thirdly I am in charge of the whole security card system. If I was to lose my card I would simply issue myself a new one.

There you have it. A fool proof method with a dash of madness. If you follow my lead you will never lose a security card again. If you do, please be nice to the person who gives you a new one. It could be me.

Monday, 8 December 2008

Excuses and Solutions

A short time ago I wrote myself a set of goals for whilst I was traveling. These goals were simple enough and easy to attain but given that I am not traveling anymore they seem a bit at odds with my current circumstances.

A typical day whilst traveling and being unemployed went something like this.

-Wake up
-Go for a leisurely walk
-Eat breakfast
-Write about something interesting I saw the day before
-Spend the day adventuring
-Sleep and repeat

I have been trying my best to find a way to incorporate writing into my new routine but it appears regimented order is not my cup of tea. Given the vacant stares I encounter every morning on the bus I can only guess that the bus companies of Auckland are using powerful imagination suppression routines to stupefy the patrons. The motives for this are sinister. Obviously more people would be flying to work or riding lion drawn chariots if the bus companies were not so scared of losing customers.

It could be a matter of ergonomics. Whilst traveling I did most of my writing on my back with my laptop perched upon my knees. My current computer situation is back bending work more akin to potato picking than earnest typing. Then there is a curious lack of blog access at my current work, a trifling annoyance and one I can not immediately remedy.

Strangely enough, I have had some success delving into the more commercial aspects of a modern day scribe. Whilst I am not at liberty to discuss these projects they are exciting all the same and I look forward to sharing my completed works when they are finished.

What ever the case I shall be furrowing my brow when I can and lying on my back a bit more, just not on the bus.

Think about the Bees

In case you didn’t know one of my more guilty pleasures is listening to National radio. I was pained to learn during the panel last week of the plight of the common bee. Wild bees are facing an uncertain future given the spread of parasites and other environmental dangers. It is estimated that if bees were to die out human life would follow 5 years later. The next time you sit down for dinner take a good look at everything that is not meat or grain. If it has a colour chances are bees are responsible for its growth at some point. Some more food for thought. Money is a human invention. Bees are not.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Double O %$#$

I must first share the impetus to write this tale. Recently I reacquainted myself with an interesting chap who had told me how he dressed up in his Mondays best and strolled around Queen street for a couple of hours pretending he was a lawyer. This appealed to my inner child and for the past two weeks I have fabricated a rich and luscious spy alter personality. This may or may not have coincided with the New Zealand release of a 007 movie. The key visual element of this saga may have conceded a passing resemblance to myself.

Infiltrating the nucleus of Auckland city. I have wandered the streets noticing key infrastructure. Internet cafes, bars and thai restaurants have been diligently transcribed to my incredibly advanced didactic memory. I have sat amongst the drone bees. I have dodged news paper vendors. Ran the pedestrian gauntlet. I have danced through raindrops and merrily draughted buses as I vaulted road crossings. A million imaginary super spy foes have been lost, taunted, shot, maimed and dressed up in womens clothing to good measure.

But today it all came crashing down when I realised in my haste to mount and ride a bus I had left my precious falsified identity wallet on a park bench. This huge oversight caused much consternation on my ride home. My mission was in tatters. Various huge entities had to be told of my huge expense cards would have to be suspended. World share markets plunged on this news. My ride home was a pained and aggressive interrogation of my bag. What was worse was the foreboding dread I was feeling knowing I would have to report to my partner in spying what I had done. I was a dead man.......

Using some of my finely honed corporate communication skills learned in the last two weeks. I vocalised a quick knock up press release to my partner. I was not to blame. It would be ok. I had taken nessasary precautions.......

And I waited......

And then it came.

News of my wallet being handed into a government department who is sympathethic to my cause.

I knew there was a reason I had those business cards made.

Monday, 1 December 2008

Patent Pending. Missadventures in Missed Inventions

Regular mass transit has turned self regulated motor vehicle transport into a novelty for me. Funnily enough I still find the time to think of ways to improve the experience. During a long trip to Tauranga last Saturday I was taken back by the antics of other drivers on the open road. Rudimentary statistical sampling would indicate that one in ten drivers is positively mad, insane or has a death wish. This got me thinking, how I could fix this malady?

Then I remembered something that I had read. Providing quality feedback is a great way to invoke positive change. If you hadn't read that before you have just now. Traditional driver feed back is not elegant or effective. Hand gesticulations and the horn do not improve peoples driving. They can in fact make people drive worse.

Then I thought… Wouldn't it be great if you could send short sentences to other drivers for immediate cohesive digestion? Here are few choice phrases that would be good to send to people.

-You appear to have your foot stuck to your accelerator.
-You appear to not know your left lane from your right lane
-Please get your eyes tested. I do not think you can see the yellow lines.
-I know that your wife is going to have a baby. That is the only logical excuse for you to be driving so fast. But dead people have problems in the delivery room.
-Nice car. Shame you can not drive.
-Please stop driving. Given the amount of smoke your car is belching it might be about to explode.

Feel free to add more as comments.

These messages could be matched, cross referenced and delivered to the car owners mobile phone from the licence plate. It would be nice if the messages were played through the recipient's car stereo. Good driving could be rewarded in similar ways but who wants to say something nice to a random person? I did until I started driving again.